I am Hanni’s Sunglasses

This site hadn’t been updated in a while, so I was feeling pretty good about my survival chances during the Santa Fe Meetup.

I made it all the way across the ocean, through the whole of the New York stop, and got to Santa Fe still lookin’ good.  At this point I was getting downright cocky about my existence, convinced that Hanni had turned over a new leaf.

I was so confident that I didn’t think anything of it when Hanni set me on the floor next to her.  I lay there a bit, contemplating the underside of the table, before drifting off into a much needed nap.  A half hour later I was jolted awake when a foot broke my arm clean off.  Whose foot?  Do you even have to ask?

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s second iPhone

Being a backup device is apparently a certain sentence to immediate death.

Why break a perfectly good trend?

I was looking forward to the St. Louis Happiness Meetup. I mean, really, who wasn’t? Like half the company found an excuse to show up. And we were going to see a cricket baseball match game at the local pitch stadium. Did I know what was going on? Well no, I did not, but that’s okay and our hosts were very patient.

You may have thought I was just not paying attention, but the truth is I was intently planning for the moment when Hanni would turn away and I’d swan dive into the toilet like Troy Dumais (yea, look it up). Nailed it, perfect 10 from everyone except that French judge who still isn’t sure how they’re supposed to feel about me.

 

Oh by the way that was all bullshit. When the person responsible for you passes out and releases you into the porcelain throne like a prom night dinner, you do what you can to cover it up.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s Cinema Display

Honestly, I shouldn’t even be here. Honest. I’m not actually broken.

This random “fizzing” thing I do, yea that’s nothing. Ever heard of playing dead? I’m just doing this so that (hopefully, please god) she’ll think she already got to me and leave me alone. Yea I know it’s kind of lame — what kind of monitor breaks by “fizzing,” right? Well it’s the best I could come up with when I was practically scared to death. You try living in this sort of fear.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s second MacBook Air

I should have learned from this guy’s lesson.

What’s the most challenging part of owning a computer? Well, apparently it’s keeping enough grip on it to counteract the force of gravity. I weigh TWO POINT NINE POUNDS! Are you trying to tell me I should go on a starvation diet, is that it?! Screw you, I’m eating a cupcake.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s MacBook Air

Honestly, I don’t even know what happened this time. All I know is I woke up and now I have this ghastly scar across my face and I’m being returned for a replacement like a 50 cent goldfish at the state fair and no I still don’t believe my mom LOVED ME AS MUCH AS THAT JERK IN — oh my, I got a little carried away there.

I’ve given up the search for answers. I accept my fate.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s iPad

Going for a bike ride, great. Wind in my hair, eh. Sticking my head out of the bag like I’m a dog trying to eat the air rushing past, no thank you.

Kindly put me back in this bag, it’s terribly unsafe out here.

What if we hit that bump…oh shit…[CRACK]. Thank god for those suckers on Lloyd’s List.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s iPhone 4

It’s a little high up here, no? I’m not trying to be a wimp or anything, but I’m just saying, don’t you think — fuck I’m gonna vibrate. I’m gonna vibrate! The screen is on and I can feel the caller ID coming [buzzzzzzzzzz] fuck! [buzzzzzzzzzz] why do you need fucking vibrate mo[buzzzzzzzzzz] PICK. ME. UP. [buzzzzzzzzzz] is a hard wooden shelf really a good place for a phone? [buzzzzzzzzzz] goodnight sweet woooooooooorld [CRACK].

What happened? Did I black out again? Did you have to plug me into iTunes? God I am so embarassed. No, oh, good.

What happened to my face? Did you abuse me, did you?! You are the Ike Turner of consumer electronics.

Why, Hanni? Why?!