I am Hanni’s second iPhone

Being a backup device is apparently a certain sentence to immediate death.

Why break a perfectly good trend?

I was looking forward to the St. Louis Happiness Meetup. I mean, really, who wasn’t? Like half the company found an excuse to show up. And we were going to see a cricket baseball match game at the local pitch stadium. Did I know what was going on? Well no, I did not, but that’s okay and our hosts were very patient.

You may have thought I was just not paying attention, but the truth is I was intently planning for the moment when Hanni would turn away and I’d swan dive into the toilet like Troy Dumais (yea, look it up). Nailed it, perfect 10 from everyone except that French judge who still isn’t sure how they’re supposed to feel about me.

 

Oh by the way that was all bullshit. When the person responsible for you passes out and releases you into the porcelain throne like a prom night dinner, you do what you can to cover it up.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s Cinema Display

Honestly, I shouldn’t even be here. Honest. I’m not actually broken.

This random “fizzing” thing I do, yea that’s nothing. Ever heard of playing dead? I’m just doing this so that (hopefully, please god) she’ll think she already got to me and leave me alone. Yea I know it’s kind of lame — what kind of monitor breaks by “fizzing,” right? Well it’s the best I could come up with when I was practically scared to death. You try living in this sort of fear.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s second MacBook Air

I should have learned from this guy’s lesson.

What’s the most challenging part of owning a computer? Well, apparently it’s keeping enough grip on it to counteract the force of gravity. I weigh TWO POINT NINE POUNDS! Are you trying to tell me I should go on a starvation diet, is that it?! Screw you, I’m eating a cupcake.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s MacBook Air

Honestly, I don’t even know what happened this time. All I know is I woke up and now I have this ghastly scar across my face and I’m being returned for a replacement like a 50 cent goldfish at the state fair and no I still don’t believe my mom LOVED ME AS MUCH AS THAT JERK IN — oh my, I got a little carried away there.

I’ve given up the search for answers. I accept my fate.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s iPad

Going for a bike ride, great. Wind in my hair, eh. Sticking my head out of the bag like I’m a dog trying to eat the air rushing past, no thank you.

Kindly put me back in this bag, it’s terribly unsafe out here.

What if we hit that bump…oh shit…[CRACK]. Thank god for those suckers on Lloyd’s List.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s iPhone 4

It’s a little high up here, no? I’m not trying to be a wimp or anything, but I’m just saying, don’t you think — fuck I’m gonna vibrate. I’m gonna vibrate! The screen is on and I can feel the caller ID coming [buzzzzzzzzzz] fuck! [buzzzzzzzzzz] why do you need fucking vibrate mo[buzzzzzzzzzz] PICK. ME. UP. [buzzzzzzzzzz] is a hard wooden shelf really a good place for a phone? [buzzzzzzzzzz] goodnight sweet woooooooooorld [CRACK].

What happened? Did I black out again? Did you have to plug me into iTunes? God I am so embarassed. No, oh, good.

What happened to my face? Did you abuse me, did you?! You are the Ike Turner of consumer electronics.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s refrigerator

Alright, door closing, time to turn off this light.

Eggs in egg-shaped holders, check. Milk in the door shelf, check. Fruits and vegetables in their humidity-controlled chambers…where the fuck are my pants?! Did you seriously just close the door so hard that you broke a plastic drawer? Take an anger management class or something.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s second car

I should have learned my lesson. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Once a threat to society, always a threat to society, that’s what the last guy here told me.

I was just trying to make friends and stay safe. Then we go galavanting into the intersection and some jack ass backups up right over my hood. I swear this woman must have a bounty on her head with all the carnage around her. I’ll bet anything that someone is going to bump her off before we ever get close to finding Bin Laden.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

Update May 2nd, 2011: FML

I am Hanni’s dishwasher

Wash dishes all day
Love to make the glasses shine
Heated dry, uh huh

I’m a dishwasher and I love haikus almost as much as I love cleaning plates and things. I was the star pupil of my manufacturing line and take that responsibility very seriously. I am dependable. I am a rock. I am the kitchen.

Hanni respects me like an old friend. Sometimes she’ll read poetry to me in the evenings and handwash her coffee cups to show me that she cares. Oh here she is, lovely

Good evening, what can I do for you? Yea, we’ll get started, just turn that — um, what, is this a game? What is this, “got your nose” or something? Come on, I’m not a baby.

Wait, wait, did you just rip that dial off?! Did you turn me on and then break the freaking dial off right in your hand?!?! Come on you’re like 5 foot nothing, 80 pounds soaking wet. I’m fragile!!!

Um, what are we going to do here? This is bullshit, do you think you can treat me like I’m the fucking trash compactor? Screw this, I’m out of here, please kindly disconnect my hose.

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s car

That fight was two hits: Hanni hitting the gas and me hitting the wall.

Well, no, that long white scrape from the hood to the trunk is actually not a part of the original design. Funny you should ask that. What, you think I look bad? It’s a flesh wound!

Everyone makes mistakes though, no biggie. I’ll be back on top in no time and I bet the ladies will dig my new rough and tumble look. I’ll probably even get a sweet, sweet coat of Turtle Wax out of this. We’ll be fine, right Hanni?

Okay, yea, this will be great. I’m totally over it. Moving on…

What the hell! Did you just hit me from the other side? You are crazy, woman!

Why, Hanni? Why?!

I am Hanni’s handbag, iPod, Canon 400D and Razr

Oh my god, is this blood?  It is blood isn’t it?!  What the fuck, what the fuck!!  Guys!  Guys!!! Is somebody bleeding? Please check if you’re bleed–holy crap it’s red wine! [gulp gulp gulp]

Hey, that’s a little much, don’t you think? This isn’t a university keg stand. Come on, come on, we’re drowning in here! Is this some kind of vino-torture ceremony? Hanni, why the hell are you flooding your purse with red wine — and is this fucking pinot noir? You’ve got to be kidding right now.

Seriously we’re going to [gurgle gurgle] drowning [gurgle gurgle gurgle] humanity [gurgle] Bastille Day!

Why, Hanni? Why?!