Alright, door closing, time to turn off this light.
Eggs in egg-shaped holders, check. Milk in the door shelf, check. Fruits and vegetables in their humidity-controlled chambers…where the fuck are my pants?! Did you seriously just close the door so hard that you broke a plastic drawer? Take an anger management class or something.
Why, Hanni? Why?!
I should have learned my lesson. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Once a threat to society, always a threat to society, that’s what the last guy here told me.
I was just trying to make friends and stay safe. Then we go galavanting into the intersection and some jack ass backups up right over my hood. I swear this woman must have a bounty on her head with all the carnage around her. I’ll bet anything that someone is going to bump her off before we ever get close to finding Bin Laden.
Why, Hanni? Why?!
Update May 2nd, 2011: FML
Wash dishes all day
Love to make the glasses shine
Heated dry, uh huh
I’m a dishwasher and I love haikus almost as much as I love cleaning plates and things. I was the star pupil of my manufacturing line and take that responsibility very seriously. I am dependable. I am a rock. I am the kitchen.
Hanni respects me like an old friend. Sometimes she’ll read poetry to me in the evenings and handwash her coffee cups to show me that she cares. Oh here she is, lovely
Good evening, what can I do for you? Yea, we’ll get started, just turn that — um, what, is this a game? What is this, “got your nose” or something? Come on, I’m not a baby.
Wait, wait, did you just rip that dial off?! Did you turn me on and then break the freaking dial off right in your hand?!?! Come on you’re like 5 foot nothing, 80 pounds soaking wet. I’m fragile!!!
Um, what are we going to do here? This is bullshit, do you think you can treat me like I’m the fucking trash compactor? Screw this, I’m out of here, please kindly disconnect my hose.
Why, Hanni? Why?!
That fight was two hits: Hanni hitting the gas and me hitting the wall.
Well, no, that long white scrape from the hood to the trunk is actually not a part of the original design. Funny you should ask that. What, you think I look bad? It’s a flesh wound!
Everyone makes mistakes though, no biggie. I’ll be back on top in no time and I bet the ladies will dig my new rough and tumble look. I’ll probably even get a sweet, sweet coat of Turtle Wax out of this. We’ll be fine, right Hanni?
Okay, yea, this will be great. I’m totally over it. Moving on…
What the hell! Did you just hit me from the other side? You are crazy, woman!
Why, Hanni? Why?!
Oh my god, is this blood? It is blood isn’t it?! What the fuck, what the fuck!! Guys! Guys!!! Is somebody bleeding? Please check if you’re bleed–holy crap it’s red wine! [gulp gulp gulp]
Hey, that’s a little much, don’t you think? This isn’t a university keg stand. Come on, come on, we’re drowning in here! Is this some kind of vino-torture ceremony? Hanni, why the hell are you flooding your purse with red wine — and is this fucking pinot noir? You’ve got to be kidding right now.
Seriously we’re going to [gurgle gurgle] drowning [gurgle gurgle gurgle] humanity [gurgle] Bastille Day!
Why, Hanni? Why?!
